We're different
by Nebiza
Summary: My name is Elisa Reader. Hah, I know. Funny name, Reader. Yes, I can read. I'm not stupid. I'm just different. Funny things happen when I'm around. For example: I am deeply in love with James Sirius Potter, and he has no idea. Hilarious right? Right!
1. That'd be me

**Chapter 1: That'd be me**

"NOOOO! No, squirrels, leave me alone! Please, don't! I'm allergic to cheese, stop teasing me!"

Err… Hi.

I know, that doesn't sound very sane, does it?

No. Indeed.

And how, you wonder, am I involved with this unusual-things-rambling person? Well, since you haven't fled yet, I'll tell you.

That'd be me.

NO! Stop laughing, raising your eyebrows or running away while you scream for help! I'm not that bad. I'm actually a really nice, cool, fun person to hang out with!

Then why am I exclaiming those very unusual comments, you ask? Well, you unsympathetic twat, I'm ASLEEP. And I have an… err… very big, lively fantasy, I guess.

"Aaah! Just leave me alone for once! I'm TRYING to dig up the quaffle, but if you keep throwing mango's at me we'll never find the yellow brick road!"

Yup. Biiiiiig fantasy. Sometimes, I even amaze myself. I know, right? But honestly, I don't like the word 'weird'. That's why I avoid it myself, I never use it. It makes it sound like a bad thing, and I'm not into negative thinking. So, when you're in my company, please use the term 'different'.

See? That makes it sound much nicer for the person in question, and it still means that you wouldn't perform the action in question yourself.

Now, personally, I think I made it very clear with that statement that even though I have we- _different_dreams and a big imagination, I'm still kind of smart. Agreed?

Yeah. You'd better.

"Noo, for the last time, you stupid wheelchair, I don't have your boat in my pocket, stop asking! Can't you see I'm busy?"

Erm… Do we have to keep listening to that? It's kind of embarrassing… And yes, before you dare to ask, being special is sometimes embarrassing. You know, usually this doesn't take this long. Normally, it only takes a few minutes before-

"LISSA! CAN'T YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR _ONE NIGHT?_ I'M TRYING TO SLEEP TOO! IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP THIS INSTANT I'LL MAKE YOU SHUT UP AND YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THAT YOU'LL REGRET THAT!"

Ah.

Nothing better than being woken up at three in the morning by a furious yelling redheaded best friend.

How I love her.

That, my young padawan, is Rose Weasley. She's in the same House as me ánd in the same year as me, so she's also in the same dorm as me. And even though we both know she loves me, it seems like she doesn't always enjoy sleeping in the same room with me.

Different, huh?

No? You're dismissed, padawan. Go kiss a blast-ended skrewt or something.

Heheh. Trust me, they don't like that.

Hah. That'll hurt. Gne gne.

Because you know that a blast ended skrewt- Hmm? Oh, you know already? Well, know-it-all, if you already know it all, which you do, because I just called you a know-it-all, which means-

WILL YOU STOP INTERRUPTING ME?

So where was I?

Right, Rose.

So Rose has been my best friend since we got sorted in Gryffindor together, four years ago. And yes, before you ask me, I'm in the fourth year of Hogwarts.

Hmm?

You weren't going to ask me?

GAH! You're so bloody annoying! Why am I even- wah, wait a minute, there. Just hold it, I'll be back in a minute. You remember that best friend I just referred to? Well, she's coming my way just now, with her auburn hair as some kind of bird nest on her head, in her slightly ripped PJ's. Now maybe that doesn't sound scary to you, but believe me, IT IS.

"Erm… Rose?"

Ooh, Rose, I really hope your complexion won't stay like that forever, it'd totally ruin your pretty face.

No, really, it doesn't bring out her features out. Rose is more the smile-type. I'm a when-nobody-looks type. Kyra over there, she's the frowning type.

You know what's unfair? There are people, and yes, they really exist, shut it Padawan, who always look good. No matter how different their complexion. I can proudly say that I know some of those people. Who, you ask? Well, there's a certain cousin of my best friend here, and he really-

Anyway.

Was that a twitch?

Haha.

Rose's got a twitch. Because of me. That's funny.

Maybe she'll stop looking as if she's gonna eat me if I tell her.

'Cause it's funny.

"Wow, Rose!" Insert giggle. "You have a twitch!"

Seriously, how does she do that? I've tried to fake one for ages, but it's almost impossible!

"That's kinda funny, don't you think?"

Growl.

Uhm… Padawan. Tell me. Did I just hear my best friend _growl?_

Yes?

Okay. Just checking.

Ahum. Not very charming, growling at your friends. I should tell her off, shouldn't I?

Oh. You think I shouldn't?

Well. Okay. Just to do _you _a favour.

Because I'mNOT scared of that bare toothed Rose in front of me.

I think it's the same as with wild animals. If you don't let them see that you're afraid, they won't harm you. They can smell fear. I wonder if Rose…

Aaanyway.

It's not really making her look more attractive, that twitch.

But then, who wouldn't look less attractive with a twitch?

Hmm… can you think of anyone? No? Hah! That's too bad for you!

CAUSE I CAN!

Ooh, you want to know who? Now you do want to be friends with the different girl, don't you!

Well, my young padawan, if you'll be nice to me, I'll tell you.

Promise?

Okay.

Wait, weren't you supposed to know it all, since you're a know-it-all?

Wuh, no, sorry, don't get all snappy at me.

I know.

Yes, I was the one who started the know-it-all stuff. I'm sorry. I'll stop.

Yes, you promised.

I know.

Yes.

No, but-

YES I KNOW!

So.

Be nice to me, and don't try to hook up with him or anything, because… Let's just say I've been in love with him since the moment I met him, which is four years ago.

Yeah.

Don't you dare laugh at me.

…?

What the himmie, you don't laugh! Oh that's so nice of you! I like you, Padawan. And since I don't know your name, I'll just call you my padawan, since you're about to learn a lot from me.

Yes.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So...

I'll just blurt it out, so we'll be over with it and I can go flee for my furious best friend who is currently reaching for her wand while mine is nowhere to be seen, and maybe, if I'm lucky, this encounter will be quick and I can get some more sleep on one of the couches in the common room.

Here it goes.

My name is Elisa Reader, oh by the way, I prefer being called Lissa, which you spell with double S, so you say it with a sharp Ssss instead of a Z. The Z sounds way too girly and reminds me of sleeping and I don't want people thinking of sleep when I say my name. I've been in love with James Sirius Potter, the older cousin of my best friend, for four years and he doesn't even have a clue. Nice to meet you.

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**A/N: Sooo? What'd you think? Like it? Hate it? Please let me know! I welcome feedback a LOT, so please if you have any comments or anything please click that review button!**


	2. Do not touch my couch!

**Chapter 2: Do not touch my couch!**

PADAWAN!

You're back! Yay, I missed you! … Yes, I know. I don't even know you for 24 hours and I already miss you! I think that means something, maybe we're soulmates or something?

… Oh?

You don't believe in soulmates?

WHY NOT? I guess you don't believe in anything? Like, erm, love at first sight? Or karma? Or SANTACLAUS?

Well that's stupid. 'Cause it's all real! Especially Santaclaus.

I always sat on his knee when I was younger. It was great. He really liked me, I could tell. He laughed at my jokes and promised I'd get a present if I was nice.

… What do you mean, he says that to everyone? That's not true, it can't be. YOU LIE.

Oh, you don't? And why would I believe you over Santa? He's jolly and has a red coat and a BEARD. Do you have a beard? Hah, didn't think so! So he's right and you're WRONG.

Must be hard to admit, eh? Being a know-it-all?

… I suddenly can't remember why I missed you. You're being annoying, just like the last time you were here. Yes, I _know _that was yesterday. I'm not STUPID.

So. I'll just fill you in on what happened this morning. I woke up on the couch, and-

Hmm? You thought that was a joke last night? When I told I'd get some sleep on the couch? Hah, well, you should know, _I don't lie. _Different from some other person I know that doesn't have a beard and pretends to know it all…

No. It's not _Rose._

It's you! GAH, you're just as annoying as yesterday! Rose would never lie to me.

I'm her best friend.

She loves me.

In a friendly way, that is.

Oh, why are you silent now? No-one ever loved you? Hah, that's pathetic.

No, no, nooo! Don't be like that! Hey, don't cry. You're special too! Don't worry, _I _love you! Sure I do! You're my padawan, Padawan! I'll take care of you.

There. Now, take a deep breath, good. Not too deep. _I said not too deep_! Don't want you to go hyperventilate or something! Gheez!

Now. You want me to tell what happened? Oookay!

So.

I woke up on the couch in the common room this morning. That's nothing new.

_But_.

Big but there.

No. No butt.

Har, har, har. Not funny. Just but. One T.

There _was_ something new this time.

There. Was. Someone. Beside. Me.

ON THE COUCH!

NEXT TO ME!

So I completely flipped, of course.

That's my form of Griffyndor courage.

Yes, I know, dear. I'm different. Nothing new.

I mean, imagine you were just lying a bit on your favorite couch in your favorite PJ's with stains and little holes and one big weird hole at the shoulder of your PJ's that make you wonder if you ever bit your PJ's in your sleep.

The fire is roaring beside you, and it's all nice and warm. You hear some midgets- I mean first years whisper about waking you up but you know they won't dare to do it because last time they even came close you threw your slippers at their heads- wha?

Why would I do that? Why _wouldn't _I do that? I mean, _they_ started it! Trying to wake me up. Pfah. Only a few blessed human beings on this planet are permitted to do that. And that's a privilege you don't get easily.

And no.

You're not one of those people. Yet. Maybe, someday.

When you've earned it, my young padawan.

And no. I'm not going to tell you how you will earn it. You'll have to find out by yourself.

Aaaanyway.

So I was completely comfortable, and then, just like that, I felt a hot breath in my neck. I stiffened. Then I felt something heavy move on the pillows of the couch. My eyes snapped open. I heard something move behind me, and then…

I flipped.

I know, real smooth. No checking who it is before I grab for my slippers and throw them at the person or anything.

I know, Padawan. I regret it myself too, I openly confess that. I shouldn't have. But I did.

You know who it was? YOU KNOW WHO?

...

_What?_

No. Nooo, not Voldemort. He died long ago, don't you read any books?

If not, you can borrow some of mine.

Or Rose's. Seriously, that girl's got a LOT of books.

UNCOUNTABLE, I TELL YOU!

But anyway, I'lll tell you who was next to me, almost _touching _on _one _couch.

Scorpius. _Malfoy._

I know what you're thinking.

… Oh, you think I don't?

Well, I do! Hah!

You want me to tell you what you're thinking? … Erm… Hehe… well, I ehm… ehhh…

Okay I don't know what you're thinking. It was a matter of speech.

Anyway.

You want to know what I was thinking when I found out?

First thing I thought was something like: !

Second: OH FROGGY ROYAL HIPPOGRYF! THAT GUY JUST STOLE MY SLIPPER!

Third: He looks kinda cute, with that red spot on his forehead. People should hit him more often, it really looks good on him!

-Hey, sue me! I'm still a girl, you know? Even though I'm taken, of course. The 'taker' just doesn't know it yet.

Fourth: FROG! NOW HE'S GOT MY OTHER SLIPPER TOO!

Poo. Life is soo unfair.

Fifth: Wha- Wait. He's a Slytherin.

What. The. Himmie. Is. He. Doing. In. The. Gryffindor. Common. Room. On. _My_. Couch. At. –Wait, what time is it?

… I know, right? That totally ruined my awesome speech.

But _still_.

What was he doing there? So that was what I politely discussed with him over a cup of tea and a couple of scones. With jam. Raspberry flavor. Yum.

Read: "MALFOY? WHAT THE _HIMMIE_ ARE YOU DOING ON _MY COUCH_ IN _MY COMMON ROOM_ SO CLOSE TO _ME_ AND STEALING _MY SLIPPERS_?"

I know. Charming.

He tried to get up, with my slippers *_growl_* still in his hands. It suited me that he actually _did_ look a itzy-bitzy- scared.

A LOT. Hah. I told you. I can be pretty scary when I want to.

No.

I'm not wanting it right now, thank you very much.

"Well," he said, still sounding sleepy. "I uhm… kind of got kicked out of Al's dorm when I made his curtains fall down again."

I raised my eyebrows.

I know, don't even say it. You know what, _I'll_ say it. _Different._

Him, not me.

This time.

Insert wink.

"Aaaand?" I asked. That still didn't explain why he was _on my couch, God hexit_!

"Well…" he hesitated to say it. COWARD! No wonder he's a Slytherin.

Filthy little green downhillrolling fish-like-smelling seatsniffing _serpents_.

Oh no, don't get me wrong. I'm _all_ in for House-unity. With Hufflepuffles and Ravenflaws.

Those smelly serpents can stay in their basement.

_My bike they won't borrow._ Hah. That's right.

Aaanyway. Let's go back to the conversation.

"That stupid painting of yours wouldn't let me out to go to my own common room, so-"

_HIS _common room. Like he owns the place. Gah.

"So I decided to sleep here. Then, in the middle of the night, _you,_" he pointed his slimy smelly stinky finger at me.

I wish I could have bitten it off. That would've been real fun.

But soo disgusting too.

So I didn't do it. Maybe next time. I could put a cleaning charm on it first.

Hmmm. I'm a genius.

"_you_ raced in and launched yourself on the couch _I_ was sleeping on. But I was half asleep and didn't make a big deal of it. Like _you_ do now."

I, making a big deal of it? WELL IT IS A BIG DEAL!

"Well it _is_ a big deal!" I know. Original.

At this moment, the other students had descended their beds to see what kind of pleasant conversation was going on between me and mister Slimyface.

Now, usually, I don't mind being the one in the spotlight.

BUT!

And again, with one T! Write that down, Padawan.

Yeah. You'll need that later. Believe me.

So, this time, I didn't really enjoy it, you know why?

_The love of my life was standing righ next to mister Slimyface and was_ _laughing_ _at me._

Laughing! At _me! _Bad future husband! Bad!

Anyway, as soon as I noticed who exactly I was facing, I had a dilemma. Be nice so James will see how completely adorable I am, or hit Malfoy in the face and show everyone exactly how dangerous it can be to touch my couch?

I know. _Dilemma._

And I'm not really good at making choices, so you know what I did? I walked over to Malfoy, pulled my slippers from his hands, whacked him in the face (_hard) _with it while smiling at James.

Reactions: a confused look from James, some sort of yelp from Malfoy, applause from my bystanders and one wolf whistle.

Believe me, if I knew the whistling person, he wouldn't whistle right now. _Believe me._

Anyway.

Then, I did the only thing that could make the situation less awkward.

I ran in ninja style for my dorm while yelling: "Wrhoeaaaaaaaaagh!"

I know. I am so charming.

When I came back in my dorm, I quickly got dressed, tried to fix my hair (in which I failed once again) and then hid my copy of the _Monster book of Monsters_ in Rose's bed for kicking me out.

No. No spell-o-tape. It's not like her PJ's don't have any holes yet, right? One or two more, nah, she'll hardly notice it at all!

By the way, it's only fair, right?

Right.

You'd better agree with me, Padawan.

Or else.

And yes, that is a threat.

And no, I will not explain it.

You know, I'm kinda hungry right now. I could totally do with some waffles. Or a muffin. Or _both._

Merlin. That would be _amazing._

You know, I think muffins can solve _every _problem in the world.

Famine? _Check._

War? _Check._

Total depression? _Check._

Angry Gryffindor boy knocking on the door of my dorm while yelling something about 'why I hit his best friend in the face with a slipper'? _Che- _wait, what?

Uhm…

I'll just get some muffins, okay? Just to be sure.

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**A/N: Yay, that's chapter twooo! To be honest, it took some more time to write it then I thought it would, but I hope you don't hate me for it. If you did, I'd cry. Really, I would. Ooh! Maybe, if I'd give you all a virtual muffin, would you stop hating me? :D I'll just try that.**

***Puts down a plate of virtual muffins for everyone who hates me for some reason or just wants a muffin* Muffins solve EVERYTHING. Just try, you'll see I'm right. I always am. When it comes to muffins.**

**Anyway, I really hope you liked it, please let my know by pressing that pretty _review_ button below! **


	3. Only epic people speak Smurf

**Chapter 3: Only epic people speak Smurf  
**

Hey Padawan! Good you're back! I am totally in a happy mood now. And I don't even have a muffin! I know, I didn't know it was possible either. You want to know why? Gehe.

You remember I escaped from my dorm to get some muffins, right? And Al (Albus Potter, to be precise), who had previously been knocking on my door, was a little angry with me.

Hmm? Yes, the same Potter as in my future last name. He's James Potter's brother. They even kind of look alike, but James doesn't wear glasses and acts different. And James is taller than Al. And hotter. And cooler. And smarter. _And_ James doesn't hang out with slimy serpents like Al does. He's like best mates with _Scorpius Malfoy. _ Ewww.

Anyway, Al was a little pissed because apparently, I hit the serpent in his face so hard that mister Slimyface was currently on his way to the Hospital Wing to get his nose fixed. I might even have _broken_ it!

Okay, I know most people react shocked when they hear something like that. They buy flowers and chocolates and stupid charmed singing postcards that sing stupid songs about getting well soon. Hurry towards the Hospital Wing immediately and beg the broken-nosed one on their knees to forgive them.

But I am different. So I did the only thing I could think of at the moment. I burst out laughing.

_What?_ It was funny like HELL!

Man, I can't remember ever having to laugh this hard before. It even made my stomach hurt, and I have an IRON STOMACH.

At least, that's what Rose keeps telling me. And according to her grades _and _at least half of our professors, she's _always_ right.

So I believe her.

I don't even ask her what she means with an iron stomach, 'cause I can't really think of a way how my stomach became made of iron. Can't imagine any way how it could have happened.

…Or. Maybe. It could've been that time I swallowed my teaspoon.

_What?_ You never swallowed a teaspoon, Padawan? Then you're stupid. Everyone swallows teaspoons. It's cool. Only the removal isn't nice. Believe me.

I bet Rose never swallowed a teaspoon. She's too clever for that. She thinks too much.

Really. She always thinks about _something._ I don't really get why she is in Gryffindor and not in Ravenclaw.

Example.

She takes _Muggle Studies._ The only Gryffindor in our year who did that. The only not-Ravenclaw, to be honest, who took it, except for that Hufflepuf guy, what's-his-face Carter.

Personally, I think it's because of the Weasly-genes, just like ol' Arthur Weasly. That's her grandpa by the way. He's nice, I've met him a few times. He's kind of obsessed with muggles, he collects rubber ducks and car parts and stuff. I remember I kept calling him Arnold instead of Arthur for the first two years. He didn't really like that.

His ears turned all red every time I called him Arnold! It was really funny. Rose does that a lot too, getting red ears.

I still can't believe she took Muggle studies. I mean, why would you want to know how to drive a car, or use a microwave, when you _know_ that you'll never need to use it?

Stupid. Waste of time.

Oh, how I love magic.

I once saw a microwave. It had so many buttons, it seriously scared me.

Muggle devices are scary and different, in general. Except for the belly! That's real fun! I love watching the bell- …what?

A _T__elly? _What's that?

Is it cool? As cool as the belly?

…

Oh. Har. Har. Har. That's funny. Lissa got the name wrong. Stupid know-it-all! But I forgive you.

Because the Telly is awesome.

I only watched it once, at Rose's place. Her mother insisted on having one or something like that. She totally owns Rose's dad. It's funny to watch.

You know what else is funny to watch? THE TELLY!

When I watched it at Rose's place, it was sooo much fun! I'm sure that one of the most genius muggles came up with the 'program' or whatever it's called that I watched.

It. Was. Genius.

I'm sure you'll think so too! I mean, even the name of the program is funny!

'_The Smurfs'_

Wahahahaaa! I know, right? Little blue happy creatures that all wear the same clothes and stuff! Brilliant! I wish we had smurfs in our garden, instead of pixies. They're no fun.

Poo.

But you know what's the most genius thing about the smurfs? THE WORD _SMURF_! I think, the word '_smurf' _ should be added in the official British dictionary. It'd solve a lot of problems.

What, you don't get it? Tsk. And you call yourself a know-it-all. Hah!

Hmm? Oh. Right. I'm the one who calls you that.

Sorry.

Anyway. The word _'smurf'_ can solve all your problems. There's no 'hakuna matata' or whatever that can tip the word smurf. I watched the telly in amazement, the way one smurf replaced random words for the word 'smurf' AND EVERYONE KNEW WHAT HE MEANT!

HOW THE HIMMIE DO THEY KNOW THAT? Really. They are bloody genius.

… Hey!

I have an idea!

I should speak Smurf too!

That way, only people who are smart and cool enough will know what I'm saying!

I AM BRILLIANT.

Okay, let's put this theory to use baby! Sorry, Padawan. If you don't like me calling you that, just tell me.

Oh. Alrighty. Let's try to move on, is that okay with Your Majesty?

…Huh, what do you mean, you'll have to ask her? STOP BEING FUNNY, PADAWAN.

That's my job.

"Hey Rose, could you smurf me one of those smurfs on that smurf, please?"

Ok. Now she sends me a look like I have turned bright blue or something. I'll check my hand, just to be sure… No. No blueness.

Hah. Now _that'd_ be funny. Imagine everyone who uses the word 'smurf' three times would *Poof!* turn blue. Then I'd be a giant smurf by now!

But no such thing. Well, then she probably doesn't know what I'm talking about…

Pity.

I thought Rose was smart.

Apparently she's not. Or at least not as smart as the smurfs.

Smurfs: 1, Rose: 0! Go smurfs!

Rose should be ashamed of herself, _she's_ the one who takes muggle studies and all! _She's_ the one with the telly! _She's_ the one who showed me the Smurfs! I bet that if I asked a random muggle toddler a question like that, he'd know exactly what I meant and answer in the same style.

… What, Padawan? You don't speak Smurf? Well, it's not as easy as it seems of course, so for this time I'll tell you what I said. Not that hard to guess really, since we're at lunch in the Great Hall right now. There's a plate of chocolate and blueberry muffins just next to Rose's right elbow. I'm on her left side.

If she knows me as well as I think she knows me, she wouldn't even bother to look at me and just GIVE ME A MUFFIN MERLIN HEXIT.

Or two.

Hello? Best friend starving here?

You know what? I'll give her one last chance. I mean, maybe she heard me wrong or something.

"Rose, could you please smurf me a smurf from that smurf?"

Ooookay, she keeps looking weird. Why does no one understand what I'm saying? Am I the only one on this PLANET who ever heard of the Smurfs?

Grrrmbl. I should find some new, better, smarter friends, shouldn't I, Padawan? Maybe some blue ones, who _understand_me. And I don't mean Ravenflaws.

"IS THERE ANYONE AT ALL WHO CAN SMURF ME SOME SMURFS, FOR MERLINS SAKE?"

"Why on earth, Lissa, would ANYONE know what you are talking about?" Oh, thanks Rose. Just because you're not epic enough to understand what I mean, doesn't mean nobody is.

Aaaaaaaaaand wait a second.

HOW exactly did those muffins get on my plate? Did Rose actually understand what I said? …Nope, she's still mad looking, only not at me for a change. Someone behind m-… GUHHH!

"Here ,Elisa. Good thing I'm around, if you would only have gotten some if Rose would understand that, you'd be on a muffin-free diet by now. And we wouldn't want that, now would we?"

Padawan, please tell me if I'm drooling. From all the people in this Great Hall thingy, HE understands me! *Squeal* WE ARE _SO_ PERFECT FOR EACHOTHER!

Eh, now he winked at me. WHAT SHOULD I DO? WINK BACK? GIGGLE LIKE SOME CRAZY GIGGLEPERSON?

Help me Padawan? What do I do?

… Right. Be myself.

Hmmmm, now this is a good muffin.

What do you mean, you didn't mean that? I'm being myself! I'll smile at him, okay? But after that, NOTHING WILL KEEP ME AWAY FROM MY MUFFIN, MWUAHAHAHA-

Okay, so now he patted me on the back, got up and walked away.

Patted. Me. On. The. Back. And NOT near the shoulders. He touched me. NOW WHAT DO I DO WITH THAT? WHAT THE HIMMIE DOES THAT MEAN?

HE TOUCHED ME!

Does he like me? Does he? Sweet Circe, please tell me Padawan, does he? He gave me a muffin! Does that count? I really wanna knohohow! No, I NEED to know! NOW! Padawaaaaaaaaaaan!

What? What do you mean, stuff it? Well, okay… If you say so.

Yum. This muffin is even better than the last one.

That James Potter just makes everything better. Even muffins.

Padawan, shut it and let me plan my wedding in piece now. And let there be muffins. And smurfs.

You know, he even _smells_ as good as he looks.

And I am SO not referring to the muffin.

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**A/N: Yes, I know. I am terribly sorry, this chapter took waaaaaaay too long. But believe me, I really wanted to upload much sooner! There were just a lot of annoying people and things that kept me from it. I was defenseless. Most of the chapter was done a long time ago, I just didn't have the time (or inspiration *shame*) to write an ending. But now here it is, complete with ending! Yayz! :D**

**As you might have noticed, I used a little less capital letters in this chapter. Some people told me that it wasn't that nice to read, and I read somewhere it made your story look less 'professional' or something. So please let me know if you like it better this way.  
**

**I hope you liked it, and if you have any suggestions, questions, criticism, you just want to say something random or just have the urge to make me feel better and tell me you like it, please press that pretty _review_ button down there, or else it might get lonely!**

**Hugs and butterfly kisses,  
-Nebiza  
**


	4. How it all happened

**Chapter 4: How it all happened**

Why, hello Padawan! How nice of you to drop by! You left so suddenly at lunch today, you missed a lot of action!

No, seriously. A LOT. Of _action._

Mrah.

… How am I feeling? Fine.

Well, _great_, actually. Splendid, no, _marvelous,_ to be precise.

'Cause my life is just so fudgeing DANDY.

What do you mean? _Sarcasm?_ What's that? I don't know what you're talking about, Padawan. I seriously don't.

What? No, that isn't a real twitch. I'm just practicing again, you know? I told you earlier that I'm practicing a lot. Because Rose masters it so perfectly (Yes I'm still talking about twitches), and she does it so perfectly! I want to be able to pull off a perfect eye twitch too!

… I am doing just that right now?

Oh, well, mission accomplished then, I guess.

VICTORYY!

Haaaaahhhh. So now I have to look for a new goal in life. Next to marrying my future husband. Or well, maybe I'll wait with that for a minute too. I need to take care of some business before living happily ever after.

Padawan, can I ask you something? Why, for Godric's sake, do guys always have to be such a bunch of stupid _seatsniffers?_

No exceptions known to mankind! Or womankind! Seriously! They cannot be trusted, Padawan. They plot against everything that's good, beautiful, pure and Lissa-y on this world.

You know what I think? I think that if Voldemort had been a girl, that everything would've been all rainbows and unicorns again had someone given her a BIIIIIG can of Ben and Jerry's, some more chocolate, a trunk filled with muffins and some new shoes. And no, girls are not shallow. It's just how it works. But no, guys always have to ruin _every. Caramelized. Little. Piece. Of. Joy. In. This. Big. Smelly. World._

I hate this big smelly world filled with stupid smelly male people.

Usually, I'd say 'except for my Jamesy-poo' or something, but not even that at the moment. I mean, he probably was in on this little ploy as well!

But the two Allihotsy-chewing, flobberworm-kissing, _banana-rotting, bra-shrinking,_ QUAFFLE-DROOLING, SWAMP-SMELLING VILE MISHAPS OF MOTHER NATURE THAT WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENED TODAY DESERVE NOTHING LESS THAN TO BURN THEIR SORRY SLIMY BEHINDS IN THE DEEPEST CRYPTS OF TARTARUS FOR THE REST OF THEIR MISERABLE EXCISTENCES!

Haah. Okay, you know, that actually made me feel better.

But not enough. I still want to hit their smelly faces with a Bludger-bat until they're unidentifiable even to their own mothers. And then smear flobberworm-slimy-stuff on their faces, and then some lemon juice, of course. Or would it hurt more if I put the lemon juice on it first? Oh, and some boil-potions would be satisfying. And maybe I could turn them into frogs after that, and feed them to the Hippogriffs? Or no, first cut those frogs into dices and THEN feed them to the Hippogriffs. Of course, how could I forget such an essential point?

Anyway, sounds like a plan to me! Are you with me, my Padawan? Rose will probably be on our side as well, and Kyra will be with us as well if I promise I'll stop teasing her about her Pufflewuffle brother and his stuffed unicorn collection. And no, that is NOT a joke, though I thought it was one the first time I heard of it as well. It was _so_ funny, we-

Hmmm?

… What is it _this _time, Padawan?

You want to know _what _they did to make me curse people like that?

Well, if you really want to. I'll tell you, but just because you're my padawan, and are here to learn stuff from me. And I want you to vow that you won't laugh at me whatsoever, or you'll be on my list as well.

And no, I am not kidding.

Listen to me carefully, cause I will say this only _once._

Let's go back to the moment where you so mysteriously left, shall we? Remember, the smurfs, the muffins, the father of my future children… Yes, you got the picture again?

Okay, good. Now do you recall I felt his hand on my lower back and went all girly and… Oh, is that why you left, did I scare you away?

Sorry, if I did.

No, really. I wish I could go back in time and do it all over again, but then just make a few _slight_ changes. Like feeling my back afterwards, throwing my fork at the Slytherin table and strangle Rose's cousin with my Gryffindor tie. Have another muffin.

As I said, just some basic little details.

Merlin, that would've spared me a lot of poopage today.

What? No, poopage is a word.

… Of course it exists! I just USED it, Padawan!

I know.

What? No! It's not w- different! It's how I _am_! I can't help it.

No, seriously. I can't.

As in, my own MOTHER cursed me into it.

Yes. Talking about cruelty, huh? I'll tell you the sad story of how my ability of seriously swear was taken away from me. Make sure you have enough tissues.

I was in second year, and I was like, totally awesome as usual. I was incredibly popular and everyone was in love with me and stuff and… Hmm?

Yes, that is true!

… Okay maybe not… But at least I just proved that despite of being cursed, I _can_ still lie! Yaay!

Even though lying is bad. Don't you ever lie to me padawan, or I will kill you slowly and painfully. Using a blow-dryer, some soy milk and a SPOON. A wooden one. With splinters in it.

Yeah. Be afraid.

_BE IT!_

Anyway, I was in my second year, and I came home for the Christmas holidays. My grandparents were there, and Auntie Monica, and my older cousins and even more people so there were a LOT of people, and yes, all related. I was playing with my cousins, we had a lot of fun, until one of them, his name was Rico-

I know right? _Rico Reader._ Hah!

Well, Rico thought it was funny to 'accidentally' set fire to my closet. _While in fact_, it wasn't. So I um… Heh… _Attacked_ him, yelling a LOT of naughty words some of my cousins didn't even know existed. And lucky for their innocent ears, unlucky for me, my mother heard me.

I know.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!

I could swear I heard that when mum stormed into the room like a bull who had lost his favorite nose-ring but worse. She scolded me, in front of ALL MY COUSINS! I was so embarrassed. And then… I yelled back at her and kept swearing as the good ol' Gryffindor I was, and then one of my cousins started to cry. Still don't know why. I have a very pleasant voice to listen to!

And well, when she noticed I wasn't going to shut it anytime soon, she _pointed her wand at me, _ME! Her very own DAUGHTER!And did some scary wobbly wobbly kiwi kiwi spell, and all of the sudden I couldn't swear anymore!

I KNOW! HOW DARE SHE!

My own blood, turned against me.

Pity me.

She took away my right to swear that day, and I never fully recovered. Literally. Again.

Because she kind of still can't find the counter-curse for it, I'm still destined to be looked at strangely while I continue to rant about 'different wobblerfrogging forkers' and stuff. Ah, well, at least people often think I'm creative and stuff. And teachers can never give me attention when I say 'Aww, dude, that sucks Royal Hippogriff, those fudgeing greenhousedwarfs!'

And it could've been worse. I once heard about a man, who kept saying Voldemort's name when he was a little kid. And apparently that was dangerous back then, so his parents cursed him so he wouldn't be able to pronounce his name anymore. Still can't, for what I heard he still says things like 'Volximint' and stuff when he talks about him.

I wonder if Voldemort decided to call himself 'He-who-must-not-be-named', or if it really was because people were so afraid of him they didn't dare say his name.

Ooh, ooh, OOH!

PADAWAN!

If he decided to call him that himself, would it be possible that from now on, I will be named 'She-who-must-not-be-poked'?

Because I really _detest_ being poked. Can´t understand how _anyone_ could possibly like being poked. It´s awful. Who invented poking, anyway? Because I'd like to have a little word with that lovely person. And then smack him or her on the head with mum's frying pan and cut him/her with a spoon.

… Yes, a spoon. Maybe a wooden one, again. With splinters and stuff. Just for fun.

Why? Padawan, padawan. You clearly still have to learn a lot. Luckily I'm here to teach you. So, listen very carefully. Come a little closer. Juuust a liiitle bit more. Don't worry, I won't bite.

BECAUSE IT'S DULL, PADAWAN. IT'LL HURT MORE. And 'splinter' is a funny word. Just as 'spoon'. And 'flabbertasted'. And 'buffalo'. And 'stab'.

Mwuahaha. Indeed. Fear me.

Ooh! I know some people who I'd just _love_ to stab with a spoon!

Ah, déjà vu. That was what we were talking about in the first place, isn't it? Right. Almost forgot. _Different._

I'll just plainly tell you what happened, so you will team up with me and make them wish Death gave the three brothers more than just one invisibility cloak.

Let's just go back to where I (apparently) scared you away by *cough* squealing. Because he TOUCHED ME OMG! Blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Turned out, it wasn't him after all.

I know. GASP! Huge plot twist!

Disappointment, people asking their money back! Howlers in Merlin's direction, an angry crowd in front of the Ministry of Decisions and Unfairness!

It wasn't my lovely future husband who showed his affections to the only girl he'd ever truly love, no. The tissues are to your left, Padawan. Nah, it turned out to be that oh-so-darling brother of his, the goofy loon with the most DIFFERENT name on this side of the universe.

_Albus Severus Potter._

Lightning. Dramatically zooming in. Cliffhanger, happy titlesong! Wonder what happened next? Please watch next week's episode of 'People Ruining Lissa's Life!', in which we'll continue this special about the biggest goaty-chewers at Hogwarts!

Oh wait, right. I forgot the preview. Poopies. On a stick.

You know what, never mind. The telly still has too many secrets for me. And the title of that show wasn't even _that_ catchy.

Anyway.

It turned out that he, and Mister 'I-want-revenge-because-that-Lissa-girl-hit-me-and-broke-my-nose-Simyface-_Malfoy_ thought it'd be funny to stick a _bull's eye_ to my back (lower back, mind you!) and then told all the first second years (a.k.a. Hogwart's very own midget population) that it was a school project they did every year and that I was a _volunteer_.

Yes. They told those annoying dwarfs that I was a voluntary _target_ they could practice their spells on, arranged by the lovely Hogwarts teachers we all know and love so much.

*Cough.*

Hmm? Did they do what you think they did? Probably, yes. Or no. WORSE.

There I was, walking through the hallways, as the innocent lovely person I am. Few seconds later: I'm being attacked from all possible directions, with little midgets trying to hit my behind with all sorts of spells.

This took about ten minutes, with me running for my life while screaming as if I'm some kind of maniac (which I'm not.) and the tiny peoples chasing after me as if I destroyed the only fun ride on a muggle funfair (which, obviously, I didn't. Mind you) and replaced it with a stand that only sells _sardines_.

I still don't know what was worse. The kids who got their spells _right_, or the ones who got them all _wrong._ I still can't sit properly (it BURNS!), my hair has red and purple strands in it (which I have to admit, would be cool, if I had chosen it myself and if they hadn't cut off random strands of my hair as well, so now it looks like someone threw two tubes of paint on a birds' nest and put it on my head as a joke (which sounds like a plan, next time, Malfoy's head is to be nestified!)) and I honestly don't know what other horrible things would've happened to me if it wasn't for one of my favourite people in the _world_, next to Jamesy-poo, the inventor of muffins, John Lennon (even though he's kind of dead. Stuff it, he was AWESOME) and Santa.

Indeed. Rose Weasley.

My saving red-headed angel. I told you she loves me!

At times like that, I thank whoever it is that decides all that stuff down here for throwing dear Rose in my direction. Or, well, making me land on her. Whatever.

Anyway, she kind of saved my LIFE by scaring those awful midgets away and making sure my skirt wasn't on fire anymore.

Aaah, you gotta love Rose. She's just amaaaaazing. Especially when it comes to burns. And scaring away midgets.

So now, I am kind of seething with anger. That Slimyface deserved that punch! He started it, after all. He. Touched. My. Couch.

So now I'm obliged to return the favor, if you know what I mean. Ah, there, you DO know what I mean! Yay for you! You deserve a muffin!

But no. I am not sticking anything to their back. Eww.

Juust have to think of some kind of revenge plan. But THERE WILL BE ONE, I SWEAR!

"Hey Lissa. I like what you did with your hair!"

WHO DISRESPECTING LISSA?

While _plotting_, for crying out loud? Can't they see I'm busy? I'- Oh saladbowl. Gotta be nice. Share a room with her, knows where my underwear and journal lie, and stuff like that. It's Kyra Felort. She's all right.

"Thanks! Though it wasn't really my _idea._ In fact, _I_ didn't do anything with it. Blame the dwarfs."

I only sound a little bitter, don't I?

"Awh, yeah, I heard about that. So not funny, Al should know better. Does it hurt when you sit? Well, at least it looks good on you. See it as _revenge._" she says with a wink.

See? I told you. She's all right.

Maybe I don't even have to stop laughing at her brother to make her join my revenge plan. As soon as I have a revenge plan.

"Mwah. It hurts. But at least I can sit on _my_ couch again without having slimy gits on it."

I am just SO charming! Why isn't James pouncing on me yet, or _something_?

"Talking about revenge. Would you mind helping me out on that?"

Ooh, she can _quirk_ an eyebrow! I want to do that too!

Okay. I just got a new goal in my life.

"What exactly do you have in mind, Lissa? I know I'm a Gryffindor and all, but I don't like detention that much. And if my dad hears of it…"

"Noooo, noooo! Of _course_ not, it's completely _harmless!_ Don't worry, they won't even have a reason to detain us." Because we won't get caught. Booyah!

Ooh, the eyebrow trick again!

"You sure? What're you planning then?"

"Errr…"

WHY, oh, _why_ does everyone always want to know _what_ they have to do before they agree to doing it? Why can't it ever be like 'Hey, can you do me a favor?' 'Suuure, just tell me when I have to do something. I don't care if I get caught, and of course you don't have to pay me! Just let me know when I should report for duty, do you want a muffin?'

My life would be SO much easier that way.

"To be honest, I'm not sure _how_ I'm going to make them pay for what they did… But I do know that they will PAY!"

There. She only looks _slightly _terrified now.

"Um, okay… I'll… think about it, kay? Have to go now, my brother said he had lost his collectors item 'Mr. Cuddles' somewhere and-"

BWAHAHAAAAH.

Okay. Sorry. See what I mean, that's the Pufflewuffle I like to tease her with.

'Mr. Cuddles'.

Heh.

Whah, okay, I think I kind of snorted or something, because she stopped talking. And is looking at me strangely now.

"Erm, I don't know where it-_he_, sorry, is, if that helps...?"

"Right. I'll see you later, Elisa."

Ouch. That look almost burnt as bad as the spell of that First Year with that incredibly long neck. Who decided that those little First Years are allowed to learn dangerous spells like that, anyway?

She's kind of protective of her brother. I wish I had an older brother or sister who could beat those annoying slugheads for me, that'd save me a lot of skeeming.

True Gryffindor, Kyra I mean. Loyal to her unicorn-loving brother. The one I just made fun of. Again.

Maybe I shouldn't count Kyra in just yet.

Just for sure.

Ah, would you look at that. Mister Albus Stupidname Potter graces the commonroom with his presence. Isn't that _nice._

I look around for the closest wasp-nest to throw at him, but unfortunately, there's none to be seen.

Pity.

"I just loooove what you did to your hair, Elisa." Gah, could someone just make that annoying smirk disappear from his face? I don't care if it hurts him in the process…? Anyone?

Sigh. No one here loves me.

Ooh, ooh, wait! Let me roll my eyes in annoyance before I say something!

"Thanks, _Albus._ I'm glad at least some- hey! Is that a stuffed unicorn?"

Okay, didn't expect that one. Looks like little Albus is hiding a large pink stuffed rainbow-pony behind his back! Isn't that just _cute?_

"Um, no?" he splutters, walking towards his dorm real fast now. I try to catch a last glance of the unicorn, now WHY didn't I have a muggle camera or something with me? … And WHY did I just see a little card on that stuffed unicorn saying 'Mr. Cuddles, property of Justin Felort'?

Hmm. Looks like I'm not the only one teasing Kyra and her brother today.

* * *

**A/N: AAAAAAH! NOOO! Don't kill me yet, or something equally painful/humiliating! I know, this took way too long. Again. But I tried, I really tried to finish it earlier! I just happen to have a LIFE all of the sudden! For example, I'm going on holiday for 4 weeks TOMORROW! And here I am, faithfully finally finishing my chapter before leaving. Ahhh. I know. Isn't that sweet? I know it is. **

**So, I'd like to thank the lovely reviewers who don't think it's a waste of time to tell me what they think of this story (YAY!) and apparently happen to like it as well (DOUBLE YAY!). If you don't think I should die in a hole or something, because this is absolute crap, please review, maybe, if all of you review, I'll feel guilty for not updating more often and start writing the next chapter already :P But of course, no pressure.**

**I'd like to dedicate this chapter to a few lovely peoples, who I hope already know it's them now that I mentioned them. Cause they are EPIC. Of course, I mean my dear friend xNomii, whose laptop crashed and cannot... read... this... Poo.  
Anyway, I'd also like to mention some of the lovely peoples I know from this RPG site, golden-age DOT forumotion DOT com! Everyone who was craving for this chapter should thank them, since they forced me to continue :P **

**I hope you all recognised quotes and jokes I put *cough*stole*cough* in this chapter, please let me know what you thought about it and yadda yadda yadda!**

**BYE!**

**Loooooove, hugs and butterfly rainbowponykisses,**

**Your faithful, postphoning, lovely favorite writer (who WILL punish herself (but is NOT a house-elf) for updating this late), **

**Nebizaa..  
**


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